I have been away from my blog and my writing spree for some time now. It has mainly to do with the fact that I have been busy with my coaching sessions, psychology classes online and the major move to Singapore that happened recently. While things are still settling down in this strange and new land for me, something happened recently that made me want to pen down some thoughts.

A coaching client of mine was not able to commit to the time slot of the sessions and was continually postponing our sessions. While texting with her on the phone, I felt the need to motivate her to make it happen if she really wanted to take it forward and towards that goal I said to her, “It’s your choice and I wish you all the success in making it happen. Choose yourself”. My client’s reaction let me know that I had touched a nerve because she responded saying that everyone wants to choose themselves and that no one really wants to ignore themselves or keep themselves last.

This whole incident made me think about this issue a lot. A barrage of questions flooded my mind.

• Do we always want to choose ourselves?
• What makes us not choose ourselves every time?
• Is choosing oneself, always right?
• Who decides when it is right and when not?
• What are the compulsions that make us choose someone or something else above ourselves?
• What happens when we choose ourselves every time?
• What happens when we don’t choose ourselves?

Is choosing yourself over anyone else always right?

Yes, it is! And it is right all the time. You have one life and that is the only life that you get to live. In fact, your own life is the only life you can do something about. Another person’s life is not yours to live, and they are free to make the decisions that make them happy.

Even in the cases where it seems almost devilish to choose yourself like in the case of your child versus you, you must choose yourself if there is a conflict. The reason is simple. If you don’t choose yourself, you are ultimately going to be a miserable slob. The very reason why you chose someone else gets defeated and it ends up being a lose-lose game.

If absolutely required, maybe you should choose a middle path if you can arrive at one. Choose a situation where you and the other person can both be happy. If you are lucky, you should be able to find such a mid-path solution.

Why don’t we choose ourselves every time then?

If choosing yourself each time is the way to go and if that is the one road to happiness, then why is it that we don’t do it each time. There are many reasons why.

1. Guilt

One of the most common reasons why people are not able to choose themselves is that we are riddled with guilt; something that is ingrained in us from a very early start. We are unable to choose what makes us happy, move on to greener pastures or surpass other loved ones that probably are complaining about how miserable and tough their life is. Choosing oneself over a parent who may have been hurtful to us is something most of us will not be able to do because we have depended on them in the past for survival. Is this reason enough to not live your life to the maximum capacity that you can?

Guilt is society’s way of making sure that the successful and happy people carry along those who are not able to move ahead themselves. I am not proposing that you stamp those in your way while moving forward or hurt others along the way. But should you feel obliged to carry them along if your own individual feeling does not permit it?

2. Change in Identity

Another reason why we don’t choose ourselves is because it disrupts the way we think about ourselves. There is a comfort in knowing yourself and knowing the way in which people think about us. In fact, this comfort also extends to negative impressions that you or other people may have about you. For example, if you have been known to be a loner or melancholy person, you may be able to find it tough to become social or stay happier most of the time.

Sudden change in your own identity about something you feel you have known about yourself for a long time can be unnerving. How can I suddenly become a happy person? How can I just start becoming so social? It will look and feel so weird. The fact that people perceive you in a certain way also makes it more difficult to bring about that change, even when you want to.

3. Letting down Defenses

Many self-sabotaging habits that we have are created over time to defend ourselves from pain. Heart-broken people (and not just the romantic kinds) tend to keep themselves from experiencing close relationships. They may build a wall around themselves that can keep happiness, human connection and love at a distance. Letting go of such habits that are harmful can be a scary proposition even when you know that these are hurting you.

4. Inertia

A lot of people who have always understood the importance of choosing themselves do not fall into this trap. In fact, their journey may be an opposite one where they need to learn to be empathetic. However, for those who do not instinctively know how to choose themselves find it difficult to do so due to sheer inertia. Others expect them to behave in a certain way, and they have been behaving in a certain way all this time. Pushing back and resurfacing as a new person who makes their own choices for their own happiness can sometimes shock everyone around. The sheer magnanimity of the task lends to an inertia that continues till the time you get the strength to push back!

5. The Right Thing

making choices according to the rules or general trend that is considered right in the culture or society you are from is easy. You are looked upon as a conscientious person who is level-headed and knows how to take mature decision. Heavens forbid if you have dreams that are different from what the culture considers acceptable. Choosing yourself has been branded as being selfish in most societies around the world and that is the reason why we feel uncomfortable doing something that our heart desires which may go against the general dictates.

What happens when you don’t choose yourself?

If you are reading this post and identify with it, then you hardly need to be told what happens when we do not choose ourselves. You know it already. While it may be easier in the short run, not choosing yourself over and over again (a repetitive pattern you will most probably find yourself getting into) can only create one thing – a miserable you!

What happens when you choose yourself?

In one simple word – happiness! With a caveat that you understand that choosing yourself is what you owe this life that you have been gifted with. It is your responsibility to make the best of this lovely gift that nature has given you and not get bogged down by artificial elements that force, coerce or subtly nudge you into something else.

So, here’s my wish for all of you reading this. May you have the insight to understand that choosing yourself is not selfish – it is your duty to this gift of life! May you have the strength to choose yourself each and every time and live with what follows bravely. For while you may have to face challenges, you will be one happy person while going through those!

Header Image Credits: Med Ahabchane from Pixabay