Definitely a weird name for a blog from me! This is what most people who know me would say. I could not agree more if I was to think about my image of self that lasted many years. However, the whole idea of this blog is to explore and discover and hopefully grow in the process.
My Deadly Sin
I have often thought about the seven deadly sins and the ones that I am guilty of. For the uninitiated, the seven deadly sins (also known as the capital vices and cardinal sins) are part of the Christian teachings and are:
- Greed
- Sloth
- Lust
- Envy
- Gluttony
- Wrath
- Pride
As I move down the list, I feel that greed, lust, envy, gluttony, and sloth were just never a part of my personality right from the very start. I cannot remember wanting material things or being lazy when it came to getting things done. While I may have had some years of overactive hormones, lust is hardly what one could have called it.
I very clearly eat to live and do not live to eat and would go to the extent of being happy with a very basic minimum range of foods that can sustain me. I indulge sometimes no doubt but it is not a driving force or motivator for me in any way.
Envy is one that I find the most difficult to understand in other humans since I don’t find myself looking at what the other person has at all. I have wanted stuff (and I don’t only mean materialistically) but it has never been anchored on what other people have. Maybe I have just been too inward-looking and not bothered too much about the outside (a trait that my social acquaintances, relatives, and friends find irritating in me at times).
Wrath is a vice that I have definitely been guilty of but my personal assessment is that I have come a long way in controlling that. So, while the remnants of wrath still exist and tend to manifest themselves, I am clearly on the path to overcoming this. I feel with awareness and control, I shall be able to get to a place where I want.
However, Pride (and I capitalize it on purpose since it seems to have a life of its own and almost unsurmountable for me) has been my vice and remains to be one till date. It has been many years since I have done this evaluation of self and known that I need to do something to correct that.
What am I proud of, you might ask? I am proud of my intellect, my knowledge, my ability to handle any situation that is thrown at me and my ability to seek further. I am even proud of the fact that I am aware that I know not all. This intellectual chip on my shoulder does not seem to go away despite a few harsh reminders by the universe.
The Universe and I Have Tried
The universe sent me reminders in the shape of a child who I thought I could nurture, manage and control. But I learned it from him that things will not turn out the way you want them to always and that my need for control needs to be harnessed.
Don’t be mistaken in thinking that I look down upon other people’s opinions, desires or ideas. I believe that the truth is subjective and therefore as irrational as your truth may sound to me, I will respect that.
I am also aware that only when I am able to give up this pride will I be able to learn further. True learning requires complete humility. It requires me to be ready to make a fool of myself. I know true learning will come from doing something new and it is evident that when I do that, I may make a fool of myself till I become better at it. But if my mind is so consumed by pride about knowledge and intellectualism, there is no way true learning can happen.
So, while I continue to read, listen, learn and observe, I have had this belief that I need to move away from the rational, intellectual exploration into an experiential one.
I decided to let go of my criticism and rationalizations with regards to so-called godmen and visit the ashram of a man who calls himself a mystic – Jaggi Vasudev aka Sadhguru. I enrolled in a 4-day Inner Engineering course all by myself, drove to Coimbatore in a soul-seeking solo drive and even immersed myself in the Chandrakund to feel the vibrations in the pool. While I did experience something, I found myself rationalizing it immediately. I undertook guided meditation and had a very all-encompassing compassionate moment (don’t know how else to describe it); something very similar to what I have experienced many times trekking in the Himalayas.
I have thus far resisted meditation and yoga even though it seems to provide a start towards experiencing the unexplainable. I have no excuse to postpone it but I keep telling myself that I do not know where to start.
What Next?
Based on this deliberation, I feel that somewhere the block towards experiencing things remains because I refuse to give up the rational and intellectual part of me. And all this is despite knowing that unless I am able to do that, I will not move forward.
This series is my attempt to detail all the reasons why the rational and intellect are limiting and how it can only take you only this much further and not beyond! You are welcome to join me on this journey. Here’s to climbing this personal mountain and reaching the sunrise!
To continue reading about this journey, click here.
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