Internal conflicting thoughts can be debilitating. These internal conflicts occur when we have an equal urge to act in two opposite manners. Each of us is aware of the difficulty we face when we have such thoughts. We want to eat that delicious ice-cream but we feel we should not because we need to follow through our diet or reduce the amount of sugar intake. We know working late causes us stress and affects health but we also want to impress the boss with the document. We feel we should love your relatives but then some of them are so difficult to get along with. The list of conflicting thoughts in our head are never-ending.
As we grow older, we are able to devise strategies to manage these contradictions in some way or another. We may have the ice-cream once and then deny it to ourselves another time or justify it because of the great win that we had today at work. We may take up yoga to make sure that there is a destressing mechanism we are following and continue to work late hours at work.
However, every once in a while, A specific kind of conflict comes our way that we are not able to manage. We fret about it, over think it, push it away or stress so much about it that it reduces our effectiveness, ability to perform, and peace of mind.
Below I describe some tips that can help in managing such obstinate conflicts that are not as easy to resolve as having an ice-cream/cake or not.
The Thomas-Kilmann Instrument of conflict management is fairly well-known among HR professionals. It comprises of a 2×2 grid between co-operation and assertiveness that results in 5 conflict management principles. While I have used the same principles below, I have adapted and added my thoughts to how it can be used to resolve issues that arise in our own heads.
Avoiding
The problem – When there is a tug of war going on inside the brain, some people find it easier to just avoid the battle completely. Ignoring the entire issue comes easily to such people and phrases like ‘brushing things under the carpet’, ‘ignoring the elephant in the room’, and ‘burying the head in the sand’ are typically used to describe such behavior.
The consequences – A lot can be said about the huge repercussions of avoiding your own voice in the head and trying to behave as if there is no conflict whatsoever. Left unresolved this issue will come and bite you in the back at a later day when you least expect it and in a manner that you can just not imagine.
The solution – The lesson here is to understand that maintaining status quo and avoiding the pull that is coming from another direction is not a great strategy for the long term. If you continue to ignore your desire or need for a family vacation in lieu of the work that you need to accomplish and ignore it for too long, the repercussions can be devastating and irreversible with respect to familial connections.
So, do not ignore your inner voice. Confront it and become aware of your thoughts. Understand what you are feeling because only when you understand the two sides of the struggle will you be able to begin to address it.
Competing
The problem – Often, we are not able to address the conflicting issues in our head because we see them as a situation that is either-or. We tend to believe that decisions can either be made rationally or emotionally. We can either be selfish and pay attention to our own needs or be selfless and caring. Some believe that we can either be honest and truthful or diplomatic and thoughtful of others emotions. In the corporate world many believe that we can either have great collaborations with other people or we can be effective in our work. Some also believe that true connection means being authentic and if you are not authentic then the connection is superficial.
The consequences – These, and many more that you might be able to think of, are beliefs that we create in our heads. If we continue to think of an internal struggle as an either-or situation, we will end up making a decision (if at all) siding with one of the options. For example, we may decide that it is important to be honest always. Such a decision is only likely to get you into trouble as you realize that life throws many curveballs at your where being honest may only harm you. Or you may decide that you cannot be selfish and therefore you have to help others all the time. And then you will realize that people are taking you for granted or that you have forgotten how to love yourself.
The solution – Almost all the time, when we sit to actually analyze the two sides pulling us in different directions, there is always a middle ground that can be arrived at. You can be a caring and selfless person while making sure that you care for yourself too. You can be honest most of the times except when you know you may hurt someone or yourself and you may decide to keep quiet about it if being diplomatic is not your forte! The solution is to embrace the paradox of life itself!
Accommodating
The problem – Making room for conflicting thoughts in your head can sometimes leave you confused in a big way. In the ice-cream vs. diet dilemma, you end up accommodating and giving in sometimes and then becoming rigid at other times. While this may seem like a good policy to follow, it can give very confusing signals to the brain and to others. Imagine if you were to be extremely selfish some of the days and suddenly transform into Mother Teresa, the next.
The consequences – Accommodating your conflicting emotions, thoughts or ideas at differing times can lead to so much confusion that you can lose your identity completely. You may not think about this consciously and may not even realize it is happening. In addition to that, behaving in conflicting ways can confuse others about what to expect from you. This makes it difficult for them to relate to you and soon you may see some of your acquaintances dropping out if the conflict is in an area that affects your behavior towards them.
The solution – Take the time to assess the thoughts and arrive at a middle ground. Since you understand now that most situations in life are not either-or, you may want to assess your true motivations behind each of the urges that you have. If you feel that you should care for your old parents and find it tough to listen to them talk about themselves all the time, ask yourself why it is important to you to care for them. Get to the bottom of the ‘should’ in your conflict and you will understand your specific reasons for doing so. If relationships are important, then you can ask yourself what you can do in order to make it work.
A caveat to this process is to make sure that you do not violate your core values. If you take a decision that goes against your core values, it is likely to leave you frustrated and uncomfortable in the long run.
Collaborating
The problem – There is not much issue with collaborating but what needs to be clarified is how does one collaborate in a conflict situation? When you are being pulled into two different directions by two different beliefs that you have, the idea of taking a call becomes overwhelming.
The consequences – If you let the overwhelming feeling overcome you, you can go into a state that can only be described as shock. This could mean that you do not try and resolve the matter actively and let things be. While choosing status quo seems the easier option to do (because then you do not have to think), it is not a solution.
The solution – The solution is to clarify the conflict, write down the pros and cons of either option. What are the advantages of continuing to speak to your parents, what do you gain from it and why do you keep wanting to do it? What are the disadvantages of the same thing? What do you stand to lose? What are the difficulties that you may face? On the other hand, what are the advantages of letting go and taking some time off? What do you stand to gain by backing off a little? Putting the pros and cons list can help you understand your own emotions and if you have the courage to deep dive into them, you will find your own answers there.
Compromising
The problem – Often a compromise does not seem like a perfect solution. It feels as if you are not being true to either of your values and not sticking to one option. It can lead to a mindset that does not really accept a middle path and wants to make a black or white choice.
The consequences – Looking at like in a 0 or 1 kind of manner can lead you to make choices that have starker consequences. This is mostly because life is not black or white – it is mostly grey. The conflicts that arise in your mind are there precisely because of the fact that life has thrown situations at you that do not have a clear-cut straight answer.
The solution – The way out of this is to understand and accept that there are no rights or wrongs and that life is about maintaining a balance. It is the ability to understand that one has to make a conscious and informed choice about the situation while being flexible. When you decide to compromise, you allow yourself to make choices that are closer to healthy and helpful solutions rather than sticking to choices that are made based on inflexible and stubborn beliefs.
The next time you have an internal conflict
- Do not avoid the voices in your head
- Do not allow your core values to compete against each other
- Accommodate and allow yourself to feel conflicted
- Collaborate to understand your feelings and make a pros and cons list after deep thinking
- Compromise and arrive at a healthy and helpful solution
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