Because I am a relationship coach, I come across a lot of people who are just emerging from a breakup or a broken relationship. Irrespective of whether they were the ones to end the relationship or their partner, I hear a lot of anger and resentment emanating from them during our talks.

It is absolutely normal and expected to go through certain phases when a relationship ends. In fact, I feel that the typical stages of grief when a long-term relationship ends is the same as the stages one goes through when one loses a loved one. (See post – Understand and Conquer Break-Up Pain)

At the same time, it is essential that you work through the stages of grief and let go of the relationship, the person, and all the limiting aspects of that phase in your life, consciously and intentionally. It is, otherwise, very easy to get trapped in the resentment phase if you are not conscious of this aspect!

What Happens when you Hold on?

Letting go is an important aspect of ending the bad feelings associated with a breakup because holding on is far more painful and harmful too. Just as hanging from a bar and holding on to it will make your arms hurt, holding on to anger, resentment, or anything associated with your ex is only likely to create pain.

When you hold on you tend to get angry, badmouth your ex, or carry out character assassinations on them. It makes you wish bad things for them without realizing that you are, in fact, attracting those very negative energies towards yourself.

Holding on to a relationship that has actually ended also means you have not been able to forgive and move forward. You still hold them responsible for the breakup in some way and therefore end up playing the victim role.

The amount of energy that you use in holding on to something that is pulling away leaves you with no energy to do anything productive. It depletes you of all the positivity that can otherwise help you move on and grow in the next stage of your life.

If you are still not sure whether you want to learn how to let go, ask yourself this. What purpose is holding on fulfilling? How is badmouthing your ex, blaming him/her, wishing a catastrophe for him/her, helpful for you in any way?

To become aware of how your breakup may be affecting you negatively or leading you towards unhelpful and destructive behaviour, contact Shiwani for coaching.

Next up – How to Let go and Move on!