Here are some ideas on what you can do to start the process of letting go.
THE PAST
1. Let it Out
Because I understand the pain and hurt that a breakup causes, I am not going to be judgmental and ask you to be completely calm about the whole scenario to start with. You are free to feel what you do and therefore this first step allows you to confront your emotions in their full glory and wrath. Get as angry as you want to and allow yourself time to do so.
However, I will suggest that you do this in a manner that does not cause issues for you later. Do it in a manner that you do not feel embarrassed at your behavior or your words or yourself once you are really over it all (and yes, you will get over it).
Write a letter to your ex (do not post it) saying all that you want to say. Pen it down on a piece of paper (do not type it on your computer). Write as much as you want to write and don’t bother about spellings or grammar. This is the rant that you allow yourself. This is the place where you acknowledge the hurt and the pain. This is the place where you allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. Some people prefer to journal these thoughts because they need more than one sitting with their overwhelming emotions. That is good too.
And then, burn the letter or the journal. This act is extremely cathartic and it also signifies the end of your ranting and your anger.
2. Be Aware of Your Thoughts
Left unchecked in this state of emotional turmoil, your mind is likely to get even more chaotic than it actually is. Your thoughts are likely to create the kind of havoc that a bull does in a china shop. Rein in your awareness and keep a check on the kind of thoughts that are entering your mind.
Notice what these thoughts are like. Are they telling you that you are a victim? Are they telling you that you were probably not good enough? Are they taking you down memory lane and are you wondering whether you will ever have a great relationship?
Awareness of these thoughts will help you tap into the source of the issue. It will help you understand why it is so difficult for you to let go. Once you know the source of the issue, you can move towards correcting that and getting rid of the angry feelings forever.
3. Accept it
Say it to yourself that your relationship has ended. It is done, finished, ceased, and in the past. Living in the past and thinking about how you could have done things differently will only lead to self-doubt and reinforce the lack of self-esteem that you are already experiencing.
Give up the ‘what-if’ scenario building exercise that you probably tend to carry out in your mind. What if I had not expected this much? What if I had been prettier? What if I had a slimmer body? What if I knew how to cook better? What if I spent more time at home? What if I got her more presents? What if I knew how to dance and be romantic? What if I was less dumb? No amount of what-iffing is likely to get you any answers.
You may feel that I can do this exercise and learn from your mistakes. While you should learn from your mistakes, the what-if exercise is not likely to teach you much. It is only likely to exaggerate your lack of self-esteem, placing all the guilt on yourself.
Thinking about how your ex could have done something differently is not helpful either. The fact is they did not and that’s it! You cannot change anything about that. They are unique and different from you and they made their choice.
4. Lose the Victim
Another very common tendency of those who pine after a breakup is to play the victim card – sometimes without even realizing it. Doing this is easy. It justifies the pain you are feeling because someone inflicted it on you. It gets you sympathy from others and therefore the support that you so need in your time of grief. Making a martyr of yourself, sometimes, happens automatically since it is your automatic reflex to justify the pain and gain support. It is a defense mechanism that seems right in the moment but is extremely harmful in the long run.
While playing the victim card, you are also likely to blame the ex and in doing so you do not allow yourself to forgive him/her. Not forgiving someone for what they did and holding on to the pain is, in fact, not forgiving yourself. Because while your ex may have moved on and may be living their life, you are the one who is stuck with the anger and resentment. You are the one who is still causing yourself pain, over and over again by not forgiving. (Understand forgiveness and why it is important )
if you want to get over your limiting negative thoughts and discover how to accept the present, contact Shiwani for personalized one-on-one online coaching,
Next up – Understanding the Present and Moving on
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