It is easy to identify the absence of boundaries in extreme cases of abuse. It is just not so easily identifiable in less severe cases. You may not even realize it and the lack of boundaries may be chipping away at your self-confidence slowly but steadily. If you can identify with any of these personalities, you may want to review your boundaries.

• Conformist – You find yourself in an environment, group, family, or community where everyone is expected to have similar beliefs and is expected to behave in a similar manner. If you feel that you are going along with what the group believes, you are probably not even aware of what your own personal preferences are. Societies and culture operate in this manner, but it is the responsibility of the individual to decide which rules to adopt and which not.
• Aloof – Often emanating from a previous experience where you may have been rejected, this is an attempt to avoid any kind of pain in the future. In your mind, you reject people before that can reject you. This is an unhealthy boundary that can make you cold, distant, and emotionally unavailable.
• Conflict avoider – If protecting boundaries turns into a conflict, you may choose to avoid the entire drama by telling yourself ‘this will just pass’ or that ‘it does not matter’. Trivializing your own feelings or needs feels easier than arguing for your rights.
• Imperceptible – Another form of the conflict avoider is the invisible person. You may find yourself shrinking into the background so that you are not noticed at all. If the spotlight is not on you, you will not have to protect your boundaries anyways!
• Defiant – If you find yourself being aggressive (as against assertive) about your boundaries, you probably have unhealthy boundaries that have been created from a place of fear or anger. Your stance is likely to be of a dare. You challenge everyone who comes close to your boundary in an attempt (often successful) to scare them away.
• Smotherer – If you feel you are being hounded emotionally and physically, you may not have set healthy boundaries. Such a symptom of unhealthy boundaries is often observed in marriages where the belief is that partners should do everything together. There are only a few activities (like official work) that are allowed to be done individually. The feeling you may have in such a case is of being smothered.
• Victim – If you find yourself blaming others for your situation, you may be a case of absent boundaries that have been invaded. Because you have not defined your own parameters of engagement or preferences, others tend to take you for granted, make decisions on your behalf, and expect you to go along.
• Trespasser – This one is fairly common in cases where families are excessively enmeshed. You may feel that you have no time or space that belongs only to you wherein you can do whatever you please without informing anyone. You may have through a process of elaborate excuses and machinations to find some private space and time.

Barriers to Healthy Personal Boundaries

Having your own personal boundaries seems like the most natural thing for an individual. Why would we develop barriers towards creating our own rules for ourselves? As we grow older, we get influenced by our environment (family, peers, society, culture) and we start to do things based on what ‘ought’ to be. In the process, we forget to think of what is important to us, specifically and how we would like to bend the rules (because they are guidelines anyway) in order to suit our personal needs.

One of the most significant causes of unhealthy boundaries is a lack of self-love. When we do not love ourselves for the unique person that we are, we try and do things in a manner that is alien to us. However, we make ourselves believe that it is the right thing to do.

• It is a husband’s right to have sex with a wife
• It is a mother’s duty to feed her children
• A good friend should always lend an ear
• An older son has to carry forward the family tradition
• A good boss should listen to the woes of his team
• It is a bad thing to refuse an invitation

In relationships, boundaries are often missing when you fear rejection. The lack of self-love translates into a deep desire to be praised and validated. Based on the beliefs that we have about what people find acceptable and praise-worthy, we indulge in behaviors to make them like us. We go too far in trying to please other people by ‘never saying no’. The fear that our friends will abandon us for ‘better’ people haunts us and keeps us from ‘being ourselves’.

Over time, people-pleasing can become so ingrained that one does not know how to even start to say no. In doing this, we undermine our own individuality and self-confidence.

If you are ready to break the barriers and create your own personal boundaries that are sustainable and healthy, check out the next post on Creating Healthy Personal Boundaries.