The very first thing to know when you start is to understand that boundary-setting should not come from a place of fear. When you set boundaries to avoid things you are afraid of, you significantly suppress growth (because the things we fear that lead us to deep personal discoveries).

Strict and rigid boundaries also create isolation and emanate from an oft-quoted denial – ‘I don’t care!’

Boundaries should not be a result of over-thinking or over-planning. They should come from a pace of awareness and consciousness.

The four steps involved in setting healthy boundaries are:

1. Know yourself

Healthy boundaries can only be set when they are your very own. These are the rules that you decide without any external influence whatsoever. Therefore, these are guidelines that are unique to you based on your feelings, beliefs, thoughts, and desires. It is important to go on a little journey of self-exploration in order to shed beliefs that may not be your own.

A good start is also to think of the times when you have felt angry, fearful, resentful, uncomfortable, or upset. These emotions may be telling you that you are not okay with what is happening around you. Remembering those times can give you a clue towards what you would truly desire.

Your boundaries do not have to be universal in nature. A golden rule does not have to apply to each and every person and you have the right to make as many exceptions as you want. Additionally, you can make as many rules as you want to and allow them to be as flexible as you like.

2. Communicate

Once you have an idea of what you are comfortable with, it is a good idea to respectfully communicate these. Communicating your boundaries does not have to be an announcement that you make formally. Opportunities to state them will arise as you meet new people and encounter new circumstances. These are the best time to review your current boundaries and make amendments too.

Communicating your boundaries is a necessary task. Other people cannot automatically guess your rules or guidelines and they will have their own set of rules that may be different (based on their beliefs, thoughts, culture, and environment).

At the same time, there is no need to justify your boundaries or be apologetic about them. If you find yourself being apologetic about your boundaries, you may want to review the belief you are holding on to, that is keeping you from accepting and loving yourself as you are.

For example, a friend asks you to come to a movie that you don’t particularly want to see. You say no and then feel guilty about ‘letting your friend down’ or ‘not being a good friend’. On the other hand, you are pretty sure that you do not want to spend your weekend watching this movie. This is the time to review the belief you hold about friendship. Is it that you feel that friendship means always saying yes to your friend? Is it that you feel scared that you will lose a friend if you say no? Is it that you believe that friendship means being present for your friend? Challenging these beliefs can help you find ways in which to accept yourself better.

3. Assertive

Sometimes communicating your boundaries may not be enough. You may have to be assertive about it. This is especially true if you have recently realized that you have been trying to please others all your life and would like to stop and change.

Those who know you to always agree may find the pill hard to swallow. Those who want to manipulate you, control you, or abuse your pleasing nature may push back. Some who you may not see as manipulating people may also find it tough to accept your new avatar.

At times like this, it is important to know that those who value your boundaries are the ones who respect you for who you are. These are the true relationships that are not sticking around because they stand to gain from your actions or because they can manipulate you into doing the things they want. Those who leave are the toxic people you are better without. You can only find the courage to stand your ground in the face of resistance when you have truly accepted yourself for who you are.

4. Practice

Actions speak louder than words. Not only will you have to communicate your boundaries but you will also have to live up to them and practice them with perseverance. Setting boundaries and then allowing people to break them yourself will only make things harder, the next time you want to try. So, avoid the back and forth or vacillation and stick to your guns.

Again, this is possible only when you have given adequate thought to your boundaries and made them consciously, fully aware of the consequences, and being at peace with what follows; knowing that by being yourself you can find calmness and acceptance that cannot be taken away.

One of the most common issues when you start to implement your boundaries is that you are not able to say ‘No’. In the nest post, we explore how to actually start saying no when you want to!