Boundaries are created when you learn the art of saying ‘no’. Often the real challenge is the actual implementation of the boundaries we have set ourselves. It can be tough initially to start saying no when we want to.

Boundaries and Barriers – What Keeps you from Saying No?

Some of the thoughts that keep us from putting our boundaries into practice include:

• What will they think of me if I say this?
• I cannot be seen as saying no to work.
• What kind of a friend would I be if I say no to what my friend wants?
• It is so rude to put me before my children (or anyone else).
• It is my duty to do this, whether I like it or not.
• I will totally be shunned by my group if I say no.
• They will surely be unhappy if I do not do this.
• How can I let them down like this?

If you read the statements above, they are either related to how someone else will feel when you practice your boundaries or they are related to a belief system that you may not be totally comfortable with personally. For each of the above statement, you can replace it by questioning yourself and finding your answers to these questions.

• How does it matter what they think?
• Why can’t you be seen as saying no to work (especially if you are already doing too much)?
• Does friendship mean always saying yes even if you are uncomfortable?
• Do you have to always put yourself second or last and can there not be a healthy balance?
• Who defines what your duties are?
• Does my association with the group depend on complete and unquestioning loyalty only?
• Am I responsible for their happiness?
• Do I know for sure that they will be let down? Am I responsible for managing their expectations?

Boundaries in Action – 5 Steps to Saying No!

(when you want to, of course!)

Here are some pointers that can help you in saying no when you want to:

• Pattern recognition – Each of us has our own zones and areas where we cannot say no. It is important to understand the areas where you are not able to be yourself and express what you really mean to say. This could be the office for some people, extended family members for some, friends for others, and even specific people in some cases. Alternately, some people are unable to say no to work assigned to them or asked of them. Others may find it tough to refuse an invitation. Identifying your pattern helps in knowing the areas you have to work on. It also gives you a peek into the area your beliefs may need to be examined.
• Yes and no, go hand in hand – When you are not able to say no and end up saying yes to something, you are immediately saying no to something else. Time is a limited resource and you only have 24 hours in a day. Your energy is also a resource that you need to respect in order to use efficiently. If you recognize that every time you say yes to someone or something that you really do not want to say yes to, you are saying no to something you do want to do! For example, when you say yes to a Saturday movie with a friend you do not want to watch, you are saying no to a lazy time with your book on the weekend. Do you really want to de-prioritize the other task?
• Expectation management – Sometimes we are so quick to say yes in order to avoid the potential conflict that we do not even understand what lies hidden in the request. When someone asks you to help with (yet) another project, do you consider the scope, time required, or resources and skills needed to complete it? Do you stop to think about whether you are being asked for help or literally being hoodwinked into taking it over? Consider what you are getting yourself into before saying yes or no!
• Motivation – Every time you are asked for something and before you rush in to say yes, consider the ‘why’ question. Why should you say yes? If the reasons that you come up with are centered around your fears or someone else’s happiness and expectations, you might do well to avoid it. When you ask yourself why you are doing something (and give yourself an honest answer), you will be able to give the answer that you really mean to give!
• Give and take – In the workplace, it might be a great idea to maintain a balance between what you do for your colleague, how much you take on, and how much you help them. If you feel you are getting swamped, try asking for help with some of your tasks as you accept someone else’s request. When someone asks you, “Could you help me with this project X?”, you can respond y saying, “Yes, and would you be kind enough to tabulate these results for me?” In personal relationships, it may not be a great idea to start keeping a balance sheet of give-and-takes. However, if the relationship starts to feel abusive or manipulative, you may have to question what you are doing.

A lot of points have been made in this series on boundaries. If you learn to accept, love, and respect yourself for who you are, all the rest actually falls into place automatically.