Given the nature of the coaching I do which is empowerment coaching, I come across a number of people who feel they are not in control of their lives primarily because they end up doing things that they do not want to. A lot of the times, it is due to a lack of understanding of how they get manipulated into doing stuff they later realize may not have been good for them. Many never even realize that!

So, today I write about how you owe it to yourself to understand the games people play, even if you may have an abhorrence towards people-games and manipulations. As I often find myself saying, we are first and foremost responsible for ourselves. In fact, that we are only responsible for our own selves. Even when we help others, we need to acknowledge that it is something we do for our own happiness (that would be being truly honest with yourself rather than adopting a holier-than-thou attitude).

Before I embark on some signs that can help you identify people who manipulate others, there is a huge caveat that I need to mention. People who may be manipulating you are not bad people.

Most have their own issues that they are dealing with and may not even realize that by saying or doing some things they are manipulating you. These are the unconscious manipulators.

And then, unfortunately, there are some conscious manipulators too. These are people who deliberately say things so that they can bend you according to your will.

As far as we are concerned, it is not important to establish whether the actions of another are conscious or unconscious. For our part, we can continue to have compassion for their reasons for deciding what they want to do (I understand it is hard but not impossible. It only takes a little bit of empathy and compassion). And at the same time, identify if we are getting manipulated and take steps towards protecting ourselves.

Types of People Who Manipulate (Consciously or Unconsciously)

Victims – This is the kind of manipulation that tugs at your heartstrings making you feel sorry for them. Most of the conversations you have with these people are about them and how circumstances or life has been so unfair to them. It is obviously possible that they may actually be going through tough times but those who pine at their situation and do not take corrective action are only succumbing to their insecurities and mental weaknesses. When in such a company, remind yourself that the ultimate responsibility of helping rests with the other person and not you. While you can help, you have to respect your own boundaries too. You owe it to yourself!

Guilt Trippers – Have you ever felt that you feel ashamed or uncomfortable about your own happiness or success? This is likely to happen especially in the presence of those who exude certain envy of the situation that they see you in. They have obviously not considered the effort that you put towards your success or situation in life and attribute it to ‘luck’. When in such company remind yourself of your efforts in being where you are and do not allow yourself to feel unworthy! You owe it to yourself!

Advantage Takers – It is most unfortunate when people who know you well, take advantage of your personality and manipulate you. For example, someone might know that you have a difficulty in saying ‘no’ when asked for favors and they may ask it of you anyways. Someone might be aware that you are financially comfortable and ask you for money as you grope around in your head how you can deny them a loan. You may be known as a responsible person and so your friend just hangs her bag on your arm and rushes off to the dance floor. Sounds familiar? At these times, maybe you can allow yourself to be a bit undependable, if not totally unpredictable. Choose the people you allow the privilege of your complete loyalty and dependability to. You owe it to yourself!

Approval Seekers – Suddenly feel that the weight of someone else’s decision has fallen on your head? These are times when someone needs to make a tough decision for themselves and asks you what to do. You may have an opinion about the situation but do not want to take the onus or responsibility of the decision that is someone else’s to make. You do not really want to be told later that they did it because you said so. In such a situation, do yourself a favor and try not having an opinion and saying you don’t know either. You owe it to yourself!

Misery Competitors – If you have found yourself talking to someone about something that went wrong and they raise you to their own brand of super misery, you are in the company of someone who is a manipulator. These are not people who can depend on to lend a compassionate ear in your tough times. If someone tried to get one-up on you to prove they are more miserable than you are, they are trying to undermine, ignore, or belittle your pain. In such a situation, give precedence to yourself and deal with your pain first. You owe it to yourself!

Helpless Ones – A slight variation from the victim, the helpless ones always have a story about all that they have done to change their situation to no avail. It is wise to critically evaluate whether what they claim to have done is anything substantial or whether it is a charade created to show their helplessness as a manipulation technique in order to lead you towards doing things for them. Remain cognizant of your own boundaries and needs before you set out to help the helpless ones. You owe it to yourself!

Exaggerators – There are a lot of challenges many people face. But when the exaggerators tell you about those challenges, they almost seem unsurmountable. The heartbreaks are more painful, the workload is always so impossible, the partner is so difficult to manage, the in-laws are impossible, the children have more than just phases, the teens are more rebellious. Keep an eye out for those who exaggerate their struggles as if it was the end of the world for them. You owe it to yourself!

Entitled Ones – On the opposite spectrum of the victim or helpless ones, are those who demand your help almost as if you owe it to them to help. Sometimes they use the guilt tripping technique and often it is just a blatant demand of your time, resource, money, or attention. It is great if you feel that you have those resources to help others but make sure you don’t expect anything back and that you take care of your needs first. You owe it to yourself!

Identify these needy manipulators in your life to be aware of what you are falling prey to. This post is not intended to keep you from helping others. It is intended to actually make you help others in a more conscious way that does not lead to resentment or an abuse of self.

Lastly, even though I repeat myself, it is not for you to judge whether someone is manipulating consciously or unconsciously. It is, however, up to you to be aware and decide the level to which you want to lend your hand AFTER having taken care of yourself. You owe it to yourself!

Are you being manipulated? Have a chat and discover for yourself.

Featured Image by Alex Yomare from Pixabay