5 Life Lessons I Learned by Having a Child

“Child is the Father of Man” This phrase could not be truer for me. However, allow me to explain what I mean. A quick search tells me that my interpretation of William Wordsworth’s phrase is different from most of the world (or at least the top 10 search results on Google).

It says there that this phrase refers to how a man’s personality is defined in his childhood and what one imbibes in the first few years of his life, essentially define the kind of man he will become. I have also heard psychologists talk about how they can tell the kind of man a boy will become if they meet him at the age of about 7 years.

My interpretation of the phrase has been more in the sense of how a child can be a teacher or a guru of the parent. Maybe that is why I have often mentioned that my son, Aryan, has been my spiritual guru.

They say we are given the parents, partner(s), children, relatives, and probably even friends that we need in our lives to learn the lessons that we so badly need. Some call it, karmic debt from past lives.

My parents helped create who I became as an adult to a large extent (though the role of my aunts, grandmother, and teachers cannot be ignored). But having a child, and especially Aryan, has taught me the most needed and toughest ones. These were the things that metamorphosized me, ensuring the personal development that I needed.

Here is my top 5 list of things I learned:

1. You cannot control everything – trying to do so only causes stress.

For an organized, planner, bordering on being a control freak, this was an important lesson for me to learn. Nothing could have taught me this as I moved from one plan to another, taking all my decisions with awareness and accountability. I had been wrong, but I always had plans B and C, and sometimes even Plan D. And I would have thought of many ‘what-if’ scenarios before they could even occur.

I tried to fight this lesson tooth and nail. I had to go back to work exactly after the 3 months of maternity leave. I had already planned for Aryan to be looked after by his grandmother while I was at the office. I had to continue to be financially independent. I had to continue to grow in my career. These were non-negotiable. In fact, I remember researching boarding schools for him while I was pregnant, thinking that my child will be better off in boarding school as soon as he reaches the age of 10.

Juggling work, commute, demanding service industry deadlines, remaining ahead of the corporate politics, spending time with my child, and sundry other household chores took precedence over everything that gave me joy. Even spending time with Aryan was not joyful since it was an item to tick off the list.

Battered and torn and not being able to do any of this well, I decided to quit my corporate job. Life was never this good! The one caveat to feeling this good is to make this decision with responsibility. ‘Choose’ to make this decision yourself and take ownership of it. You can choose to be a victim by complaining or choose to be empowered by being accountable.

Having a child taught me that life is not about controlling humans, situations, reactions, or results. Life is about ‘doing’, ‘living’, and ‘experiencing’.

2. Asking for help is fine – you can be vulnerable

Since I was a control freak, doing everything on my own was absolutely necessary. Who can depend on whimsical people (and this included everyone)? My mantra was that the other person can always do things that may not be according to your plan since you cannot control their actions. By being dependent on them, you are putting yourself at risk of being ‘betrayed’ (how silly it sounds to me as I write this now).

As I stepped into adulthood and the independent world, I made sure that I could do everything that I needed to, on my own. I worked, earned, drove, cooked, cleaned, and even knew how to love being with myself. I needed no one! The mere idea of vulnerability and asking people for help gave me the shivers. In addition to that, asking someone for help meant that I owed them a favor and what if they asked me for something I did not want to give (or help with)?

And then came Aryan! There was no way that I was going to be able to manage all the things I wanted to do, all by myself. People like my mom, my mother-in-law, and the house helps stepped in. I remember a time when our full-time servant threatened to quit and I burst into tears because I had no idea how I was going to run a house without a trained cook and cleaner.

Having a child taught me life is not about being someone else, building walls, or living alone. Life is about ‘connecting’, ‘compassion’, and ‘possibilities’.

3. Letting go is your only hope against things you cannot change

Okay, so I had realized that I could not control everything and that I needed other people’s help. But I continued to try and control a lot of things that I thought I could control. There were strict rules inside my head – I cannot spend more than 30 minutes doing this, I have to be up by 5.30 am, If Aryan misses his school bus, it is unpardonable, I have to feed him bis morning breakfast and I have to leave for office by 8 am, he has to eat at least this much food….and so it continued.

At the age of probably two and half years, Aryan decided to stop eating completely. Completely. Nothing one could do helped in feeding him even a morsel. This was the stage when I wished my child would just shut up, gawk at the television, and eat. For more than 6 months, we had to resort to a diet of Pediasure in ilk to ensure he got all his nutrition.

Ever since, my obstinate, stubborn, and highly internal-focused son (never to be lured by peer pressure) has helped me understand that I need to ‘let go’. Being a stubborn mother of a stubborn child, I did not give in easily. But even reverse psychology refused to work on this quaint, insightful, and intuitive child.

Having a child taught me life is not about rules, goals, or must-do. Life is about ‘simplicity’, ‘flexibility’, and ‘growth’.

4. Carpe diem – live in the moment!

Recently, a coaching client of mine said this to me, “Indeed all human activity is directed at reducing uncertainty”. My life was surely a prime example of that. In living up to this belief, I was forever trying to learn from the past (I am not really one to repent) and planning for the future.

This meant that I was almost always living in the past or the future in order to reduce uncertainty. When this became an obsession from being just something that one does, I do not know.

Once I started to give up control and embraced the mantra of ‘Que sara sara’ or ‘whatever will be, will be’ (listen to the full song here), I understood what living in the moment could get you.

When we live in the past or the future, we play with imaginary stuff – memories (that psychologists will tell you are horribly contorted based on selection, beliefs, and mindsets) and dreams (some of which we will achieve and some we will not and there is no way of telling right now). We lose out on acknowledging what we do have right now.

An understanding that I will never get this time back with my child and that this was more important to me than another job that I could always go back to, was what led me to learn how to savor each and every second of my life. It started with the time I spent with him and moved on to all other things that I do now.

Having a child taught me life is not about living in the past, dreaming, or focusing on a better future. Life is about ‘now’, ‘this moment’, and ‘present’.

5. Let the universe guide you

It’s not just okay, but brilliant to allow the universe to guide you – it knows better!

Imagine if I had not quit my corporate job and decided to go freelance, I would have missed watching my son take his first steps, I would have missed so many conversations we shared as he grew older, and in fact, I would have missed learning to play tennis, I would have never discovered trekking, and for that matter coaching (my Ikigai).

It is so important to allow your intuition to flourish and develop so that it can guide you towards the things that you are meant to do, the person you were born to be, and the light that you are here to shine with.

Having a child taught me life is not about living in the my achievements, permanence, or superirotiy. Life is about ‘Empowered Exploration’, ‘Simple Spirituality’, and ‘Compassionate Connections’.

Bonus: Love is not the same as attachment – it is possible to love without attachment – this is a WIP or Work In Progress and therefore I choose to write about it at another time. I understand this concept cognitively (more about this in this blogpost). I have an experiential understanding of this in some areas. However, I do not think I have mastered it in all areas of my life where it matters. So this is a topic for another time!

This is me acknowledging the role Aryan and the Universe played in my metamorphosis.

Thank you, Aryan, and Thank you Universe for bringing him to this world via me!

What are some things you have learned from your children? Share in the comments below.

Featured Photo Credit: Prashant Sharma from Pixabay