Many years ago, someone I know came to speak to me about how she could make sure that her (then) husband did not leave her. I remember asking her this one question, ‘Why would you want to be with someone who clearly does not want to be with you?’

In our discussion, there was a lot of pain to process and soul-searching. I could see how difficult it was to accept that her husband did not want to be with her anymore. It seemed to her that a relationship of many years was coming to an end and she did not even know what she was supposed to feel, what to do, or even how to begin processing all the things that were happening around her.

Every person she spoke to had their own version of advice and suggestions. Some were practical and some were emotional. She did not know who to listen to and in all that noise, she could not even hear herself. She was not sure whether she should feel guilty at having done something wrong, anger at the unfairness of it all, depression at being in such a situation where someone wanted to leave her behind, anxiety about what lay ahead of her in life, or numb about all the chaos going around her.

What to do When Someone Leaves You

The first thing to ascertain is the finality of the situation. Do you want them to leave you? If not, then have you done what you can to communicate, discuss, and understand the situation? Is that even a choice?

Often words are said in the heat of the moment and decisions are taken without thinking them through. If your partner is decided about leaving or separating or divorcing, despite having tried your best, then it is time to work your way through the pain and take these steps!

Step 1 – Process the Anger

It is totally normal to feel angry at being dropped like a hot potato as if all the years that you spent with someone count for nothing. If the decision of the other person comes as a shock to you, you may feel that it is unfair. You may have lived your life with the assumption that you will stay together and made plans in your head or together about how things would be. In your mind, you may even have sacrificed some of your dreams for the ‘collective us’.

All these may lead to a feeling of anger at being betrayed. You may feel as if life is giving you a raw deal, especially since the decision to leave was not yours.

Feeling angry is fine but it is also judicious to not make any decisions at this stage. Avoid any kind of retaliatory behavior or revenge planning (okay, plan it in your head if you must, but don’t act on it). Actions that may emanate from decisions taken at this time may not be ones that you would be proud of later. In fact, these very actions taken in the heat of the moment may come to bite you in the back.

So, step number 1 is to feel the anger, if that is what you feel, and let it pass. Allow yourself to fall slowly and graciously into grief (I almost say it as if it is a good thing, and it is. It allows you to move on to the next stage so that you can ultimately be free from this pain and limitation).

Step 2 – Grieve and Cry

Once the anger subsides, grief is what strikes forcefully and bluntly. At this stage, you may start doubting your own worth and wonder what it was that you did to push your partner away. It is important at this stage that you do not internalize the blame for what is happening.

Relationships are a complex thing and there are too many variables involved for you to process all that could have been, would have been, should have been, or all that you could have done or should have done.

The truth of the matter is that relationships end. Friends move on, partners decide to leave, people leave town and get busy, partners find other people or other passions, priorities change, and a whole host of other things. There is no way that you can control the kind of experiences that your partner is having. It is their journey and it is for them to decide how they want to traverse it.

In fact, do not internalize the mistake even if you have made a mistake. Doing something wrong does not mean that you are wrong. Everyone makes mistakes and if you have gone against some explicit or implicit rule of the relationship, it may be a good time for you to forgive yourself. The consequences of all the things that happened in the relationship (first this, then that, then retaliation, the response, and all those years of action, reaction, and then snowballing effect of reactions) are coming to the fore and that is okay!

Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve and cry and process the pain but do not blame yourself for it or beat yourself up for it. Just as it is important that you do not take retaliatory actions in anger, it is also important that you do not beat yourself up.

Step 3 – Seek Support

After the anger and grieving, you may feel the need to talk about it. This is a great thing because talking about the incident helps you process your thoughts more keenly. In fact, as you talk about this, you may realize that you need to talk about it a lot! If you are lucky to have a friend who understands this need and is available to you, it is a great option. However, more often than not, other people add their own thoughts and feelings into the gamut. This can create extra complications that you can do without in such times. So, choose who you speak to carefully!

What you need is for someone to be able to hear you as you process your thoughts, express your feelings, notice the emotional tone of your voice, and help you identify the angry or self-deprecating limiting thoughts and reframe them. You do not need advice at this stage but someone who can hold a non-judgmental space for you to ‘figure things out’.

Step 4 – Let Go

In this step, you start taking the U-turn in this journey. You start working towards letting go of all that you thought of yourself as, in connection with the one who has left you. It will mean giving up all the visualizations of the future that you had with this person. You will need to think about common friends, who you want to stay with, who you want to leave behind, things you bought together, and most importantly, who you were when you had this person in your life. This process can be painful as you peel off one layer of your identity with your erstwhile partner after another. But it also holds a huge opportunity as you move through the pain. Do all this gracefully, without any feeling of anger, guilt, resentment, or pain; just as something you have to do!

Part of the problem arises when you are not able to let go. For this, use the power of writing down things. Make a list of all the things that you would want the other person to do – an operating manual of sorts. If you have children, include all the things that you may have in mind about how they should conduct themselves. Write down how much time they should spend with you, the manner I which you think they should settle the situation financially or emotionally, the things that you feel are the right things to do for them in order to make this less painful for you.

After you have done this, recognize that you have no power, whatsoever, over how they conduct their life. It is their life, their decisions to make, their journey to live, and they have the right to live their life in the way that they want to. Tear the list you have made or burn the operating manual, freeing yourself from any consequences that may arise from their decisions.

It is true that some decisions that they will make may affect you in some way. However, you can address them when they are made based on the manner in which they affect you because your decisions are yours to make too!

Step 5 – Create your New Identity

This is the step when you start rebuilding your life. It is exciting because you get to choose who you want to be now. This means you have a fresh start at defining what you really like, giving yourself permission to be yourself without any constraints, addressing what you would actually like to do, how you would like to present yourself in this world. When you do this without any resentment, you will be able to find yourself! You get to define whether this event in your life makes you a negative person or a positive one (and I truly hope that you choose positive as it will allow you to shine with all your beauty).

This is also a step you can take with your coach so that you can be sure you are defining yourself based on the fresh start you have got without the shackles of a life that is no more. Choose yourself by getting rid of all the things that may be holding you back from being you!

Step 6 – Plan Your New Life

With your new identity come goals that you may want to achieve, dreams that you may not have had the luxury of pursuing, or desires that you may not have given yourself permission for. This can sometimes seem daunting as you start to create your new life. So, try to not dive into the deep end of the pool in a hurry.

Break down your goal into bite-sized and easy-to-handle goals that can be accomplished in the next 30 days or the next 15 days (if that feels better). Make sure your goals are something you feel proud of taking on and do the easiest thing that you can to take the first small step towards it. As you make that first move, listen to your instinct and decide the pace at which you want to move forward. The pull of your new identity, the new passions you are now exploring will guide you towards the next phase of your life.

Whether someone decides to leave you or not is not your decision to make. It is theirs. However, whether you emerge from this event as a positive person or a negative one is definitely your choice. Choose to redefine yourself in a manner that makes you a better person than who you were. Choose to use this as a learning experience that helps you grow into who you are meant to be!

 

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