I have always been known to be someone who speaks up against things that I did not agree with or things that I felt were unfair. In fact, I wondered why others did not speak up.

I was loud and vociferous and very opinionated too. It did not do me much good either. I was branded quite readily as a troublemaker, someone who attracted conflict, and someone who would sure to start up a fight or an argument.

For a long time, I did not care about being branded thus. Being a rebel was something that I owned up to proudly. It made me stand apart and being in the spotlight fared well with me.

However, as I grew up and started to operate in the real world (as against my microcosm of school and college), I realized it had other disadvantages as well. Speaking up fairly and squarely, without thinking about whether the boss would like it or not, had huge disadvantages, often resulting in the opportunity loss of a good pay raise. Too many arguments and one is eliminated from social gatherings or people just avoid talking to you about certain subjects that they know will rile you up.

Why Don’t we Speak up?

Have you heard someone make a comment that is not outrightly racist but has huge undertones and ignored it? Have you seen someone skip the line and still kept quiet because they were just too big to mess around with? Have you let it pass just because it was your friend who did something you did not approve of but do not want to lose a friend?

We hold ourselves back from speaking up too often. Before we know it, we forget who we truly are, the values that we hold dear, and the things that really give us fulfillment.

There are essentially 2 reasons why we shy away from speaking up:

1. Fear – This is the fear of consequences that may follow through if we voice an opinion that is contrary to what someone else is saying. It is the fear of being punished for calling out someone in a position to hurt us physically, emotionally, or financially. It is the fear of being branded as a conflict-seeker. It is the fear of being noticed and coming into the limelight for the wrong reasons.
2. Ambiguity – Ambiguity keeps us from speaking up when we are not sure about what is really happening. A comment that has racist undertones has us wondering whether our interpretation is right or whether we may face backlash for assuming that the comment was racist. A study showed how people did not react when they heard a loud crash and did not move to help. However, when the loud crash was followed by a human groaning out in pain, a significantly larger number of people sprung up to help. As humans, we do not want to be wrong in our judgment because we worry about being judged.

Interestingly, we do not seem to worry about the long-term negative effects of not speaking up. We do not worry about how it disempowers us from the inside out and we do not worry about how each and every one of us contributes to what society actually tolerates.

Tips on How to Speak up

Regardless of the long-term negative effects of not speaking up, voicing your opinion, disagreeing with someone (especially one with the power of harming you), taking action against something unfair, and having the courage to make a mistake in judgment is not easy.

As shared above, speaking up without having the adequate skills to do so can lead to being branded as a troublemaker (as I was). But this is a skill that can be learned so that you can speak up without being offensive or without exposing yourself to judgment.

1. Do not be pedantic

Speaking up does not mean that you have to be pedantic when opposing something. You do not need to go into long details about why you think the other person is being unfair. You do not have to even explain yourself. All that you need to do most of the time is to call out the action that you want to oppose. A simple, ‘that’s not cool’, or ‘this is not okay or acceptable’ can suffice in most cases.

If the person saying or doing something wrong has a conscience or has slipped into a behavior that was not intended, he or she will back off immediately. If the other person is doing or saying what they are conscious of, they might shrug it off and continue doing what they are doing. However, you have spoken up, cleared your conscience, and maybe made a difference.

2. Make it about yourself

This is an especially important thing to keep in mind when you are not sure of the situation and it seems ambiguous whether the comment is intentional or unintentional. While you cannot be sure of their intentions, you can always be sure of what you are feeling. Speaking up by saying how you were uncomfortable or how that comment makes you feel is a good way to tackle the ambiguity. If someone makes a derogatory comment about transgenders, you can say, ‘I have a close friend who has gone through a lot of trouble being a transgender and so that comment really makes me uncomfortable’.

3. Find a buddy

Often standing up and speaking up against something on your alone can be scary. If you are facing a particular kind of nasty behavior or speech that seems to have become a norm in your area, community, school, or workplace, try finding other people who share your concern. The idea is not to start a protest but to know that there are other people who have your back when you speak up.

4. Find your courage

When grappling with whether to speak up or not, put yourself in the shoes of the person who may actually be affected by the action or words. This could be those who are being discriminated against or laughed at, or bullied or facing abuse. A great way to find your courage is to think about what those people might be going through. Standing up for them and speaking out becomes relatively easier.

5. Practice what to say and how

Last, but not least, it is frustrating when you do not find the right words to speak up when faced with such a situation. You pull your hair later and admonish yourself when the right words come to you a few hours later. There is no magic to knowing what to say and how to say it and you can surely get better at it by practicing.

6. Do inner work

Speaking up against something in an effective manner is tough because often the words that are said or the actions that are done trigger something inside of us. In most cases, these triggers are something that we feel strongly about because of what we have learned or experienced on our own.

For example, if you have close friends who are gay, you may take huge offense at someone making fun of the LGBTQ community. If you have seen a sibling struggle with academics due to ADHD, you are surely likely to be triggered by someone poking fun at people with a mental condition. Understanding your triggers and learning to manage them can help you remain calm in situations that are otherwise aggravating. Speaking up becomes far easier once you have better control over your emotions.

Learn about the different types of emotions and new ways of interpreting your emotions here.

If you want to work on managing your emotions, get in touch, and let’s get started on raising your EQ!

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