Denial is one of the many self defense mechanisms that our brain develops. It is an unconscious act in which we refuse to admit or recognize some event, habit, or reality.

Denial sounds like a bad word. It sounds as if we are consciously not agreeing to what is right in front of everyone to see. In fact, denial is not all bad. It is the brain’s way of allowing us the time that we need to absorb some reality that could shock or distress us into madness, total or partial. Denial, therefore, is a great way to ease awareness about something that could be disturbing. The brain knows that it is not time, yet, to face the music.

Denial and Lying

Denial can often be construed by the onlooker as lying. However, note that lying is deliberate and conscious act aimed towards managing image, avoiding punishment, or evading responsibility. It is when someone denies that he just ate a whole jar of cookies.

Denial, on the other hand, is always unconscious. It saves the person from unbearable feelings or difficult thoughts that are just impossible to face. This is why denial is often the first stage of grief when one hears of the loss of a loved one.

When Denial Gets Dangerous

The issue is that while denial is a good defense mechanism that allows us from facing the tough reality that we may not be ready to face, it can sometimes become deep-seated. Continuous denial, about something that is causing you harm, is not likely to solve the problem.

If you continue to believe that you are not under shock because of a loved one, you may never proceed to giving yourself the care you need to emerge from the loss. You may never allow others to support you in the process! If you deny facing the addiction you have, you may never be able to take steps to come out of the situation and you may end up harming yourself and others due to your drug issue or alcoholism. If you do not acknowledge and ultimately face the fact that your partners physical abuse is not playfulness but serious, you may never get out of a toxic relationship.

Some of the above examples are extreme cases. Denial works in our lives in mysterious ways. Sometimes, the reality that you are denying comes around and bites you in the back in more ways than one. It may start with issues in sleeping. It could cause you to get panic attacks or nervous breakdowns that you cannot find a cause for. It could also manifest in various psychosomatic diseases in your body.

Signs of Denial

Interestingly, one of the most significant signs of denial is when you avoid a topic, a situation, or a person. And then denial sometimes manifests in exactly the opposite manner when you are only too quick to jump and proclaim the opposite.

For example, a stressed partner may not be able to identify that the real cause of his sleep issues is a dwindling marriage. He may talk about how stressed his work is and how his working hours are completely out of control.

Alternately, an abused wife may be very quick to talk about how her husband brings her flowers every week and how they have great movie nights and dates. This has been captured in the quote, “The lady doth protest too much”. When you protect something too vehemently, the reality is likely to be exactly the opposite.

Denial is sometimes not complete. You may accept that you drink a lot but you may reduce the impact it has on your life. You claim you love having a great time and that it is not alcoholism but just plain and simple fun.

Read more about whether you are in denial or not here!

Helping Yourself when in Denial

The most significant aspect of denial is that you are unconscious of it. There is little you can do to become conscious about it on your own. The nature of the situation causes you to bury it deep and be oblivious of what you are doing. If is far easier for someone on the outside to see that you are refusing to go towards a topic or defending it too vehemently.

So, when someone suggest to you that you seem to be in denial, try not to shoot the messenger.

Examine their statement and consider what you may not be allowing yourself to see. Consider the negative consequences of not taking the appropriate action. Journal your thoughts so that you can write about what is in your head without the fear of being judged. Taking part in a support group, that deals with similar issues, is also a great idea. Talk about it to someone who you think will be able to listen without judgment.  

Helping Others when they are in Denial

As a coach, I have faced many situations where my clients seem to be in denial. Here are some of the things I have tried in order to help them through their journey.

• Take a step back – When you realize that someone close is in denial, take a step back, and analyze your own thoughts. Are you correct in assuming that they are in denial? Maybe they just need some more time to face up to reality? What kind of danger are they in if they do not accept reality, right away?
• Gather up all your compassion – Just because you can see reality, the way you see it, it does not mean that they see things from the same perspective. Be kind and respectful enough to allow them their own thoughts. Try and empathize about why it might be tough for them to face the reality. Remember, they are not denying the reality consciously. They are not lying. It is tough for them to face the facts as of now.
• Timing is everything – The speed with which you intervene should depend largely on the consequences that you see, moving ahead. If the denial is not causing major issues in the short term, you may decide to tell your friend that you are there to talk and leave the rest up to the body’s self-healing abilities. Interventions are good only when timed well! If the consequences can be catastrophic, you may want to intervene expediently.
• Help them realize – Any intervention with regards to denial works best when they can come up with a realization on their own. If you force your point of view or the reality that you see, you are likely to face stronger pushback and rejection. You may, in fact, end up losing your friendship too. The best way for this to happen is to ask questions that lead them to the answer. This may take time. Do not expect your friend to have an epiphany in a single talk. Be patient and the solutions will come.

Contact Shiwani if you want to discuss potential areas of denial or to become aware of your blind spots!